in a few short hours . . .

as you will probably notice, there hasn’t been an update to this blog since this past april.  it’s not that i’m even writing them for the the masses to read anyway really . . . but i merely do this for myself, my own memories, and for my family (especially my kids) to read and reflect on someday.

a lot has happened in our family’s little world and perhaps the biggest change will be happening today.  since april, we have finished building our home and have moved not one, but two houses worth of belongings to it.  moving trucks from orlando and cincinnati brought all of our family treasures and furniture to fill up one lovely home and give us a new start as a family.  also, my parent’s (christy’s) have basically moved to florida to be snowbirds and live in the guest house.  finally, and most importantly, God decided to bless us with another pregnancy resulting in today’s major change in our family.

i really haven’t felt like writing until today about my feelings on having another child, etc.  i’ve been extremely busy, and to be perfectly candid, didn’t exactly have the motivation because this pregnancy was unplanned and completely unexpected.  truthfully, i had a real hard time in accepting that we will be starting all over again.  all of the things i did with the first two pregnancies have fallen by the wayside this time around.  i’m trying not to beat myself up about it and am already hoping/praying that this child will forgive me for it someday.

today, at 4:30pm, tom and i will be in the hospital adding a sweet new baby girl to our family.  as the time ticks away i am feeling more and more anxious for how things are going to be.  in the past, i have been very honest as to why i didn’t want more kids.  lily is so unique and has such energy that at times she can be like two kids in one!  gus is so laid back and easy to get along with and is content just quietly playing by himself.  my kids are great.  we felt complete . . . but God knew otherwise.

i have moments when i feel completely at peace with this change and then the doubt creeps in . . . i hear a voice telling me that i already suck at mothering the two that i have and that this is just one more child i am going to screw up . . . it tells me that i am not going to be able to nurse (again) . . . that i am a failure because of it . . . that i will have postpartum depression again . . . that this c-section/recovery is going to be worse because i’m older now and already have two kids to run after . . . etc. etc. etc.

i have to combat these thoughts and feelings with truth and trust that God is greater and knows better.  i have to keep reminding myself that these are just lies Lies LIES that the devil wants me to believe so that i feel weak and uneasy.  but truthfully, even though i know this already, i often find myself giving into it.

today i am claiming Psalm 27:1 for myself and this situation . . .

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

God has a mighty plan for this little girl and has entrusted me to teach her to trust Him and to follow His path.  I’m going to just have to trust that He will guide me as i do it and that things will turn out alright.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “in a few short hours . . .

  1. christy – when i was pregnant with my FIFTH child, i felt so much of what you are now feeling. i didn’t want another child. i spent six months being very vocal about it, while she grew and grew. i had one child who has disabilities, and another daughter after that and those were numbers 3 and 4. my first two were nearly teens. it was insane to me that i was having another. somewhere at the end of the pregnancy, it came to me that the last one would be the one i would be so close to when everyone else left home. and it turned out that way. i had been angry, frustrated, scared, and then had a very sweet daughter who is a beautiful person that i love dearly. she is not only a daughter, but a friend. now that daughter has a daughter of her own that is the light of my life. i’m probably 27 years into ‘your’ future. it’s going to be alright. your kids will cherish you. their kids will be a joy. they love you, mistakes and all. i know because i live in that future.

  2. Christine Mayfield

    What an amazing post. As I was reading this I remember sitting in that restaurant in Orlando, chatting away and you saying you were done. I was sitting there agreeing wholeheartedly that I was done too, not knowing that 4 weeks later I would get a positive pregnancy test. As one that has had a few pregnancies full of doubt and mistrust, especially the last one, I know exactly what you are going through. Up until Benjamin was born and maybe a week afterwards, I questioned the Lord giving us him. As I look at him waddling down the hall I know that I know that I know the Lord’s plan was absolutely perfect in blessing us with him. He is such a light and joy and completion to our family of 7. I have had 5 csections and the healing time did get easier after each one. I felt myself moving more quickly and needing less pain meds. We will be praying with and for y’all that everything will go smoothly with no complications. Psalm 121 1-2 121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. 2 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He has helped me through every pregnancy, delivery, recovery and raising of these children when W was gone. Hope these 2 verses encourage and uplift you today.

  3. vicky

    Thanks for sharing, Christy. I will SO be praying for you and Tom today. Your Mom/I (and maybe you/I?) had a talk about the breast feeding thing. You do it however you feel most comfortable, and your sweet baby girl will be fine! The most important thing is she feel your love as you nourish her, however that is. You are right, it will most definitely be more work (3 vs 2), although I cannot speak from experience, but in witnessing Jenna with her 3rd, he is such a blessing, so different from the other 2, there’s no way on earth she/we’d ever wish it any differently. It WILL be the same for you!!
    Give my love to your folks, I know they are as excited as you! And m love to you as you look into the face of another miracle from God, another HUGE blessing to your family! Love you!!

  4. Misty Cametti

    Beautifully written and deeply honest. Thanks for being you Christy – I love you my sweet friend. These are all very normal thoughts and fears to have, but each pregnancy/delivery/post-partum is different, and God IS bigger than you, and DOES know better. You’ve got this in the bag – fear not! Xo

  5. I know I’m a little late finding this, but know that you will be completely fine. God is with you, and He always will be. Yeah, life will be different, but most of the time different is good. I’ll be praying for all of you on this new adventure. Children are a blessing as they teach us more about ourselves than we would ever let anyone else.

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