as you will probably notice, there hasn’t been an update to this blog since this past april. it’s not that i’m even writing them for the the masses to read anyway really . . . but i merely do this for myself, my own memories, and for my family (especially my kids) to read and reflect on someday.
a lot has happened in our family’s little world and perhaps the biggest change will be happening today. since april, we have finished building our home and have moved not one, but two houses worth of belongings to it. moving trucks from orlando and cincinnati brought all of our family treasures and furniture to fill up one lovely home and give us a new start as a family. also, my parent’s (christy’s) have basically moved to florida to be snowbirds and live in the guest house. finally, and most importantly, God decided to bless us with another pregnancy resulting in today’s major change in our family.
i really haven’t felt like writing until today about my feelings on having another child, etc. i’ve been extremely busy, and to be perfectly candid, didn’t exactly have the motivation because this pregnancy was unplanned and completely unexpected. truthfully, i had a real hard time in accepting that we will be starting all over again. all of the things i did with the first two pregnancies have fallen by the wayside this time around. i’m trying not to beat myself up about it and am already hoping/praying that this child will forgive me for it someday.
today, at 4:30pm, tom and i will be in the hospital adding a sweet new baby girl to our family. as the time ticks away i am feeling more and more anxious for how things are going to be. in the past, i have been very honest as to why i didn’t want more kids. lily is so unique and has such energy that at times she can be like two kids in one! gus is so laid back and easy to get along with and is content just quietly playing by himself. my kids are great. we felt complete . . . but God knew otherwise.
i have moments when i feel completely at peace with this change and then the doubt creeps in . . . i hear a voice telling me that i already suck at mothering the two that i have and that this is just one more child i am going to screw up . . . it tells me that i am not going to be able to nurse (again) . . . that i am a failure because of it . . . that i will have postpartum depression again . . . that this c-section/recovery is going to be worse because i’m older now and already have two kids to run after . . . etc. etc. etc.
i have to combat these thoughts and feelings with truth and trust that God is greater and knows better. i have to keep reminding myself that these are just lies Lies LIES that the devil wants me to believe so that i feel weak and uneasy. but truthfully, even though i know this already, i often find myself giving into it.
today i am claiming Psalm 27:1 for myself and this situation . . .
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
God has a mighty plan for this little girl and has entrusted me to teach her to trust Him and to follow His path. I’m going to just have to trust that He will guide me as i do it and that things will turn out alright.